#10: Wrong Guy at The Drive-Thru
I starting working at Wendy's when I was 16, and stayed through much of college. One night, a couple of years after high school graduation, I was stationed at the drive-thru window when a guy I knew from Highland High showed up at the window.
When I leaned out to collect his money I said, with much enthusiasm, "How are you? Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you in forever! What have you been up to?"
His answers were vague as he looked for the cash to pay for his order, and when he turned toward me to hand over the money the light fell full on his face. I realized with a sick feeling that he was not who I thought.
I wasn't about to let that get me down, or admit I'd mistaken him for someone else, so I just grinned and said, "Okay, I'll get that right out to you." As I closed the window I saw him turn to the girl in the passenger seat and shrug his shoulders.
A few moments later I passed him out his food and drinks and said, "It was so good to see you again, say hi to your folks for me!"
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So there I was, still working at Wendy's. As soon as we closed we would crank up the tunes. One night a particularly good song was playing, and I was dancing through my chores. I had to bend over to load the cups into the drive-thru drinks area.
Some of you have probably already guessed what comes next... Yes, my behind was facing the drive-thru window, and was about level with it. The cup dispencers were nearly empty. I was bent over loading them for a L.O.N.G. time. And dancing through the entire thing. Or at least my butt was bopping up and down and all around.
When I finished loading the cups I stood up and twirled on one foot toward the window, outside of which an incredibly good-looking man sat in his car laughing his own butt off. Instead of running out of sight, I actually opened the window to tell him we were closed. He was still laughing when he drove off, and no, he didn't ask for my phone number.
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A few years back my family held a reunion at some great cabins up in the mountains of Idaho. Mom, Dad and Grandma got a little two room cabin to share, and my brother and his wife, who had a new baby, also got their own cabin. The rest of the eight siblings gathered our children, spouses and various mosquito and tick repellents, and staked out rooms in the largest cabin.
The first morning was personal time. Our little family decided to go for a walk in the woods to a nearby picturesque lake. Excitedly my husband and I pointed out, to our young boys, two moose(mooses?) drinking on the other side of the lake.
On our side, butting up against the bank, floated several large logs. We were brave, and decided to see if we could walk on them. Wisely, and possibly with inspiration, I handed the baby and the camara to my husband. The logs were stable, almost like a little pier. Our boys were thrilled!
I decided to cross over to the farthest log. As I stepped onto the brown surface, I realized it wasn't made of wood. I went right into the lake, and was coated with the disgusting, brown, stinking mire floating on top of it. My husband tried not to laugh...too hard.
We had to go back to the cabins so I could shower, and shampoo my hair, again and again and again. Hubby wanted to get a picture of me with the boys, but they refused to go near me, the mother of all swamp monsters. He finally convinced them to stand next to me by allowing them to plug their noses.
I was hoping to sneak into the shower while everyone else was out and about. I didn't quite make it. Mom was in the kitchen of the large cabin. The moment we made eye contact we burst out laughing. You know, the kind of laughter that leaves you breathless, only able to gasp out a word or two at a time, and causes tears to streak down your face?
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#7: Me and Marilyn
You know that iconic photo of Marilyn Monroe standing on an air vent; her skirt up around her waist? Keep that image in mind.
Some years ago I served a mission for my church to Missouri. My favorite dress had a shirtwaist front, a belt to show off my slender middle, and a wide flowing skirt. When my companion (another female missionary with whom I lived and worked), and I were asked to attend a special conference, I wore that dress.
During a break in the meetings I decided to take a walk outside the church to get some fresh air. A lovely breeze was blowing. It was nice and cool; I took a deep breath. And then IT happened. I had just turned the corner of the building when that breeze turned into a full-blown tornado. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a bit. It wasn't really a tornado; let's call it a stiff wind.
Coming toward me were two young men, also missionaries. As I lifted my hand in greeting, the wind caught my skirt and lifted, not flirtingly like Marilyn's skirt, but straight up and over my head! By the time I fought my way out of the cotton, I was faced by two pale faced 19 yr old boys who didn't know if they should laugh, run or offer assistance.
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My first year of college I attended Ricks, a junior college, now BYU Idaho. B., flaxen haired and blue-eyed B., sat next to me in Biology. We would flirt but he never asked me out. I took the initiative and asked him to the Sadie Hawkins. As an aside: Who was Sadie Hawkins, and why do we name girl ask boy dances after her? Was she an incredibly forward pioneer woman or something?
B's room-mate, and the room-mate's girlfriend, D, wanted to double. D and I started making plans. We would take the guys to dinner first, then on to the dance. I got a call from D a couple days before. Instead of just taking them out to dinner, her room-mates suggested we go to a nearby dude ranch where we would ride horses out to a cabin, have a meal, then ride back. I didn't want to do it, and protested that we would smell like horses, but gave in to her enthusiasm.
I knew there was a problem as soon as our guide started demonstrating how to saddle a horse."Now some horses like to fill their lungs with air so it puffs them up. Once the straps are tightened he'll let the air out, causing the straps to be too loose. This horse is one of the worst. But you just smack him here," he smacked the horse with the flat of his hand, "and he'll release the air so you can tighten the straps."
Guess which horse I was given....
It got dark fast that night. Heavy cloud cover blacked out even the glow form the moon and stars. There we were, about thirty of us, plodding along in single file behind the guide. Pretty soon I began to sense that I was slipping to the side, but it was so dark I couldn't see anything. I could feel however, and I tried with all my might to maneuver myself and the saddle back to right side up, by squeezing with my legs to hold the saddle and rocking up toward the horses back.
I will forever be grateful it was so dark; all my efforts were in vain. The saddle slid all the way around and I landed with a bump on a hillside. I don't remember how I got the guides' attention, but eventually he halted the riders and came back to me with a flashlight.
Finally at the cabin, we were just sitting down to dinner, (There wasn't anyplace to wash my hands first - ewww), when some smart aleck called out, "Hey, who fell off their horse?"
D, ever helpful, yelled back, "It was Jami, she's right here!" Followed by uproarious laughter. Today, I can laugh about it in earnest, that night I faked it. I don't remember the dance, though I must have gone, I'm pretty sure there's photographic proof out there somewhere.
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My husband and I discovered, on Christmas morning, that we were going to have our first baby. I called Mom and Dad to let them know our exciting news. Mom's exact words were, "Congratulations! How did it happen?" Oh, wait, that's her embarrassing moment. And for the record, she meant how did we know, but still...
Hubby and I decided we would take a child-birth class from the local hospital. During one session the nurse running the class explained that when 'your water breaks', it wouldn't always be a flood. It might just be a drizzle. She taught us that to be certain it was amniotic fluid we should check for two things: 1, is it colorless, and 2, is it odorless.
Half-way through my ninth month of pregnancy, I had a drizzle. I checked the panty liner. Yep, it was colorless, and yes it was odorless. We went to the hospital, where they took the liner to confirm my diagnosis.
A few minutes later a very sweet nurse came out and hesitantly told us that there was no amniotic fluid present. She looked so uncomfortable that I realized what she meant.
"So...are you saying...I just...wet my pants?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
My husband and I burst out laughing. Poor nurse. Maybe this is her embarrassing moment. Mostly I just think it's funny.
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#4: Hot and Bothered in Arlington
A few years ago I had the opportunity to accompany my husband on a business trip to Washington, D.C. With our children safe in the hands of my mother-in-law, we took a few extra days for sightseeing.
Did I mention this was June, or that in my opinion, you've never experienced the absolutely worst possible combo of heat and humidity until you've experienced D.C. in June? No? Well I should have.
We knew we couldn't be so near the famous Arlington Cemetery, and not cross over into Virginia to explore it. The air conditioning in the rental car was sublime. I didn't want to get out once we parked, but knowing I might not get this chance again for several years, I gamely left the vehicle. As I stepped from the car, the heat and humidity washed over me. By the time we walked from the parking lot to the small lobby where the tours start, I was beyond hot and sticky.
The first thing I had to do was visit the ladies room. When I made it back to the lobby and my husband, he handed me a pamphlet he'd found while waiting. As we walked toward the entrance of the cemetery I tucked the pamphlet into the back pocket of my jeans. Something crinkled.
Jeans, indeed pants of all kinds, should never crinkle. Feeling gingerly, and discreetly as possible, around my waist, I discovered more crinkles. Turning, I hurried back to the rest-room. Naturally, when he saw me again a few minutes later, my loving husband wanted to know what had happened.
I whispered in his ear, "The toilet liner stuck to my behind." I sincerely hope none of the liner was visible above the waist line of my jeans, but I'm pretty sure it was. There were a lot of people there, too.
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#3: We Need That in Idaho?
Not long after my husband to be proposed, he moved back to Alberta to work until our wedding. That left me to get everything prepared, including finding a photographer, ordering tuxes for the groomsmen and finding an apartment.
My sweetie arrived on my parents’ front porch 72 hours before the big day. Those last hours were blissful. The man I loved and had missed dreadfully was with me again. Everything was wonderful. We were to be married in the LDS temple in Idaho Falls, Idaho. The Saturday morning of the wedding we drove the hour to the temple together in his Mustang, my wedding gown safely hidden from his sight in its garment bag.
While my Mom waited to help me into my dress, my fiancé and I were ushered into a small office where, after some general chit chat, we were asked for our marriage license. The license was the very last thing on my to-do list. Since it was the one thing I couldn't do without him, I put the list away once I'd completed everything else. And completely forgot about it.
I started crying, ruining my carefully applied make-up. The woman said, "Oh don't worry, this happens all the time. We have the home phone numbers of everyone who works in the county clerk's office. Just give us a minute."
We waited for a desperate hour, while the woman who had seemed so kind before, cheered us up with stories of other couples who'd forgotten to get their license.
"Sometimes we can't get a hold of anybody and the couples have to get their wedding pictures taken and go to their receptions without actually getting married."
Finally, someone came to tell us everything would be okay. A woman who worked at the clerk's office had agreed to postpone her vacation long enough to help us out. We were driven downtown by somebody from the temple.
By the time we made it back, and I had changed into my dress, and fixed my make-up and made it to the beautiful room we were to be wed in, our guests had been waiting for well over two hours. I was consoled by the fact that we had invited very few people other than family members to be at the temple.
Later that evening, at the reception in my hometown, several people who had not been at the ceremony asked us how we managed to forget the license. When I inquired how they knew, we discovered that my cousin's husband had returned to town and spread the news. He thought it was pretty funny, and wanted to share the joy. Yeah, thanks for that. At least he offered to video tape the reception for free.
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#2: Yeah, I Said That At Church
When our eldest son was about six months old, we attended church with a congregation made up entirely of college age married couples. There were about seven children over the age of three, and for some reason the bishop (the pastor of the congregation), thought I would make a good teacher for these little ones.
Our building had two stories, with stairs at each end, one set of steps leading down from the second floor faced the double doors of the chapel. While my husband was in helping to prepare for the Sacrament Meeting (worship service), I was upstairs preparing the class room for Sunday School.
I walked down the carpeted steps with my baby in my left arm, an obscenely large, over stuffed diaper bag slung over the opposite shoulder, and an additional bag full of Sunday School stuff clasped in my right hand. You may note that I had no hands left to hold the bannister.
With about five steps to go my heel snagged on the carpet. I knew I was going down, so I dropped the bags and wrapped both arms around my baby boy. As I tumbled down the stairs I had only one thing to say. It consisted of one word, which contained four letters. It was not the most vile of cuss words, but you won't find it in the Bible, either. It came out loud and clear.
The chapel was full. The prelude music was playing. I swear (yes that pun was intended), that the entire congregation turned en masse when that horrible word escaped my lips. Miraculously both the baby and I were unharmed, but I was sure they would rethink their decision to put me in charge of the impressionable young minds of their children. Instead, several people rushed from the chapel to help.
I worked hard after that incident to stop swearing, and I've nearly succeeded. I've only sworn in church twice since then, and at least both those words can be found in the Bible.
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#1: Clothing Optional
I was pregnant, very pregnant. Eight months, give or take a week. I'd read somewhere in one of the many pregnancy books and magazines I owned, that to help with dry skin, you shouldn't use a towel after a shower, but should smear lotion on your wet skin and 'air dry.' So there I stood, standing in our tiny apartment, in front of the bathroom mirror, putting on my make-up in nothing but the suit my Father in Heaven gave me.
Simultaneously someone knocked on the door, and our phone rang. Our apartment was tiny, from the front door one could see almost the entire place. I shouted to my husband that if he would answer the door, I would get the phone, "but wait a sec before you get the door, okay?"
I opened the bathroom door and prepared to dash, or rather waddle, from the bathroom to the bedroom. In my peripheral vision I saw a light. It wasn't heaven. It was my husband standing at the open front door talking to a salesman. The man decided quite suddenly that he would have better luck at the next apartment. I can never forget the shocked and horrified expression on the guy's face. The telephone did not get answered.
I'm so glad I went to the bathroom before reading these, I would have peer my pants for sure laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteOk seriously hands down you have the best embarrassing stories.....I could add a few;)
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